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SnoozyNugget
SnoozyNugget
LTIMindtree

Seeking clarity in my relationship

I've been in a relationship for 4 years, and now that I'm 22, my parents want me to get married within a year. I'm not ready for that. Yesterday, I brought this up while talking to my boyfriend, who is a year younger than me. He said he’s not ready to get married for another 5 years and that he won’t mention it to his parents until then. He also said that if I can’t convince my parents to wait, he’ll come and talk to them himself.

I asked if he could bring his parents to assure mine, but he said that would be difficult, and he would come alone. Without official assurance from his family, I don’t see how my parents would accept the situation. I’m also worried what if his parents don’t agree to our relationship after 5 years? What will my situation be then? If he’s not ready to discuss it with his parents now, how can I trust him enough to wait for 5 years?

Please advise, or let me know if I’m misunderstanding something.

8mo ago
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PerkyWalrus
PerkyWalrus
Deloitte8mo

@Unicornbells number 1 advice would be to not ask for advice on the internet. That's the worst thing one (irrespective of gender) can do.

Rather, go to him. Make him understand your insecurities, concerns, fears. Communicate clearly the guarantee which you want from him.

BouncyRaccoon
BouncyRaccoon
Accenture8mo

The same situation happened with my close friends last year. She waited 6 years (for his phd to get complete). At the time of marriage she was at a disadvantage (age, news of being with someone has spread). After 10 years of relationship the marriage did not last 6 months.
In your case, I feel it's a red flag that he is so adamant.

JazzyBoba
JazzyBoba
Stealth8mo

Red flag? The guy is 21. No way his parents gonna approve. What else can he do? If he is 24-25, he has a say at the table. I think it might be a good idea to stall the talks for at least 2 years. Go for higher education or try some new stream and use that as an excuse to stall.

SwirlyKoala
SwirlyKoala
Stealth8mo

What? But 10 years of relationship?? What happened to that.

SwirlyKoala
SwirlyKoala
Stealth8mo

Kids, focus on your career.

PeppySushi
PeppySushi
Genpact8mo

If you read the first line it says her parents want her to get married.

PrancingPotato
PrancingPotato
Stealth8mo

If you can’t trust him then better to move on. This doesn’t mean your problem isn’t genuine. I bet the best course is for him to meet your parents. If your parents are still not convinced then maybe you both can discuss to ask his parents. Also 22 is too young to get married. I know this are diff for a girl but just my thoughts

SnoozyJellybean
SnoozyJellybean
Flipkart8mo

27M, 10-year relationship, about to get married, so might be the right person to answer this from experience:

Here are the logical next steps:

  1. Build confidence with each other, over communicate everything, go deeper into your long term plans, and also discuss why your boyfriend can't speak to his parents about you both. It doesn't always have to be official, but definitely a mention of you, or your existence as his partner by the end of 4 years is important.
  2. Build confidence with your parents: first by talking to them yourself. Your parents want the best for you, they'd only be concerned unless they are confident of you as an individual. It's kind of like reverse parenting - earlier learnt the better.
  3. Make your boyfriend talk to your parents. It's important that he also wins their confidence. It takes time. Plan these timelines.
  4. It might be okay to not have both parents meet immediately but both should have a sense of timelines and plans of career, studies, and marriage. If anything changes over time, it should be actively communicated. IMHO parents meeting about 2ish years before time of marriage should be okay.

Hope this helps. Feel free to reach out if you need further help and stay strong

PerkyPotato
PerkyPotato
Cognizant7mo

See first tell us what is your bf doing is he studying, earnings ,how much ?

FluffyHamster
FluffyHamster
Deloitte8mo

You are 22. Everything is an illysion

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