Sam's Story (32M)
As many of you suggested to give her sometime to adjust, my parents stopped asking her to do any chores.
My mom prepares roti/Chapati and wife does sides. It's been 7 months still she locks and stays in room and we have to call her for breakfast, lunch and dinner. (We all family members sit together and have our meals and we have fixed time) If we call her then she won't come down. I will have to go to room and ask her to come then she says "why you having food so early? I am not hungry". then she comes this same dialogue since 2-3 months. We thought she is new so it takes time to adjust but even after 6-7 months she still says she is not okay with our food. Whenever she cooks it doesn't taste good still my parents eat. But I am giving her feedback. She is taking my feedback as negative and says "I never cooked anything, I am doing as per your mom instructions so it is ruining" she is not even following mom instructions she calls her sister or mom and cooks. If it doesn't go well she says "you're always complaining" My mom was talking to my sister about my wife's cooking and sleeping habits. My wife heard it and now she hating my mom. I am seeing her actions and feel sad for mom. My sister says mom to stay silent, things will be alright after sometime. We are from Village where women wears saree and cover body full. My wife wear kurta without dupatta I asked her to wear it. She got angry she says "I never wear it. None of my family members talked about it. I wore night dress in home. Here you people not allowing that also." Me: but see many people are going on road it is not looking nice. Please cover it. She: why all of you have problems with my clothes? If you do this Tommorow I will wear jeans pant and tshirt let me see how you react. (My mom also asked her to cover which I did not know) Me: you can wear whatever you want in city but this is village and most of them are men walking here. While washing utensils your body is clearly visible. She: why are you scolding me? Your people's mindset is dirty. You tell them not to look. She says she is educated and can wear whatever she wants she can't be like uneducated village girl. Her side story: She asked me to take her on honeymoon I didn't take her so she is unhappy. She wants to move to Bangalore. I am still repaying loans which I took for marriage so I need sometime.
She doesn't want to visit nearby places. She is not happy in small things. I want to keep her happy and treat her nicely but I am struggling myself lot Few times I said her I can't afford but she is not believing it.
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I think these all things need to be discussed before marriage .
You're right. I discussed I posted thread here before marriage.
I asked what is your opinion if life goes up down
She said "we should go with flow"
I asked what if I loose job
She "we should plan and adjust"
I asked "any expectations?"
She"No I don't have anything like that. I want to work after marriage that's all "
Now she doesn't want to work because her friends are not working and enjoying to the fullest. I am not able to provide her so she is bit unhappy
What if she says she's ok with the traditional outfits and changes her mind after the marriage? How do you discuss these specific things
My wife in kitchen for 10 hrs daily never wear a suit n all only saree. It’s been 4 yrs she wake up by 6:30 do all puja and all then directly to kitchen cooks breakfast n all for my parents then sleep from 1-3 then again 5-10 in kitchen. She is not working i had a working wife option too to choose but I choose this I am more than happy/lucky I feel. Just booked a Raniii harrr worth 8 lakhs yesterday on her birthday.
Maybe we don’t see sun in the morning due to clouds and all for few days in a year , but I have not seen her on bed after 6 in the morning that level of punctuality and seriousness I have never seen in my life, she is my Laxmiji. I Salute her.
Yeah rich people, rich gifts. I wish I could gift her too then she will be happy.. I am doing my best I am studying all the time while my colleague enjoying. Hoping things might turn on day!!
She questioned what would I do if someone commented on my sister's clothing
Me: my all three sisters wears saree weather in home or outside. They put pins everywhere that's how my parents puts restriction while raising them.
She: your parents are uneducated so your sisters too. You all have old mentality. Nowadays people wears modern dress.
This seems to be a hyper traditional household mindset . I have seen the same story in my friend's family too . Check with your wife if she is ok to work and ask her to search for jobs in Bangalore. What a girl needs is her own personal space and freedom to live her life without being constantly called out for every choice . Please don't make this to be the story of a sulky little princess . Women would put up with financial difficulties if they can see that there are going to be better days in the future - not being stuck in a rut with a husband who cannot think for himself and her future . If you keep prioritising your household traditions over your relationship don't expect a happy marriage - your sisters are not going to stand by you when things get hard . So start respecting your wife ' s wishes and aspirations . She might be feeling that you are not prioritising your career growth when you are insisting on being in a joint family setup in a tier 2 place . Once you get your own place you will get to know if your salary will actually be enough for a comfortable lifestyle -
I would like to know if your brother in law asks your sister to wear a salwar and your parents would be in the way - in my personal experience mothers have a different set of rules for daughters and daughters in law . They would be all smiles that the son in law is giving them freedom to explore new options
So it's high time to start acting like a husband
I can see one thing very clearly in all your comments - you jump to the defence of your mother , sisters but constantly blame your wife for her choices . Salwar with dupatta , salwar without dupatta is not the question here - you asked why your wife is constantly unhappy and I have given the answer . I can see that you are part of the problem - you expect her to please your family putting aside her preferences . This won't go well in the long run
I have said a lot of things earlier but you had the answer only for jumping in to defend your mother . Are you constantly at home to see how your family treats your wife - stop coming up with lame serial wala comments about no partiality . When your sister complains that her MIL talks about her behind her back to her SIL I like to know if your family would tolerate that
I sincerely feel bad for your wife. From the comments I can clearly see how narrow minded people can be even today
What exactly is narrow minded here?
I should be able to go to the office completely naked today by that logic because I'm not too narrow minded right? Why don't people already go to office without clothes in the modern society?
How about respecting the culture of where you live? I
Where do you draw the line?
Here are a few things you can do as a mature man to make things better. I’m just trying to give you a new perspective and direction to think about:
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Talk to her. Hold her hand when you do. Give her some time at night, like she wants. Start the conversation gently and say something like: “I’ve been thinking about everything that’s happened. I don’t think either of us is wrong, it just feels like we’re seeing things from different sides and both need a little understanding. What matters most to me is us, and I don’t want this to come between that. You mean a lot to me, and I want to sort this out together calmly. Let’s talk, not to prove a point, but to find peace.”
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Make her feel loved. Spend quality time with her. Talk, do things she enjoys, or watch a series or movie together if she likes that.
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Drop the dupatta issue inside the house. Let her be comfortable the way she wants. If your family has adjusted with her for the past 6–7 months, they can adapt a bit more too. She’s sensible enough to know how to dress outside the house.
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Support your wife. That’s what she’s craving most, and it’s probably why she’s reacting the way she is.
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Do something special for her. Instead of always asking her to join the family for meals, maybe take breakfast or dinner to your room and eat together - just the two of you. That bonding time matters.
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Understand her happiness comes first. Even if your mother and sisters are adjusting, your wife won’t notice it unless she feels happy herself. Focus on making her happy first; once she is, she’ll naturally adjust.
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Plan little things for her. Make her feel special. If you do this, she’ll stop comparing her life to others or focusing on what her friends’ husbands do. She might be spending time on Instagram simply because she’s bored or feels disconnected.
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Remember, she’s in a new family. Things might be very different from what she’s used to. She married you because she trusted you - so support her fully. Don’t bring in the “village mindset.” This is between husband and wife, not society. If you care too much about society, remember they’ll be the same people laughing if your marriage falls apart. Support her publicly and correct her privately if needed.
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Regarding her job, it’s her choice. Support her decision. Over time, she’ll support you and your family too. Maybe she wants to move to Bangalore because she feels she’ll have more opportunities there. A change in environment can shift perspectives.
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Ask your family to stop badmouthing her. This is real support. Imagine if she or her family said things about your mother or sister - how would you feel? That’s likely how she feels now, isolated and unheard.
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Acknowledge that no one is perfect. She may have faults, but your lack of visible support might be making her feel worse. Defending your family constantly without supporting her only deepens the gap. Sometimes, what we keep hearing shapes our perspective even if it’s not the full truth.
If you keep her happy, she’ll keep you and your family happy too. Six to seven months isn’t long in a marriage it takes time. Relationships grow through consistent effort, just like investments that compound with time.
Hope this helps. If there are any kind-hearted sisters here, they can also share their perspective from a woman’s point of view.
All the best for the unknown ahead of you.
This is such sensible advice. As a woman, i would never agree to anyone trying to control what i wear. It is my choice. Some pervert on the street trying to make a pass at me is HIS fault, it's not because of what i wear. I really wish men would start understanding this.
I can feel your pain . But hard luck you have meet the wrong women . Good luck
I can see that your wife is the problem... We need to adjust in some areas some times in our life. And you guys are staying in village so your expectations are valid here. Her choices are also correct but she needs to understand that she is not in the city. She can wear what she wants even shorts in the city but she needs to adjust a little bit in the village and you said she is not working and always scrolls through instagram the entire day that it seems she is the receiver not giver. I think you can adress this problem in 2 ways first take her to the city and see if she is doing house hold chores are not.. if she is not doing chores even in city and wants to have maid. Then brother take a divorce and ask her to change her attitude it doesn't seems to workout in long run
It seems you live in toxic family. What’s wrong in wearing jeans?
Ohh come on dear. Ours is agriculture background and village. far from city.
normal regular clothing is sufficient.
Wearing jeans looks weird
It looks like wearing bikini in room of people in formals.
Live separately from your home town and give the life she wants thats the only solution. If she is happy u are happy
I think she doesn't trust u nor ur family now as she over heard them talking about her.
Try praising her for things she is doing good.
Talk about ur future n plans together.
Let her gain some trust. She feels like everyone is having problem with her for everything.
She is also not completely right. But u need to sort things without ur family interfering. Ur family is also not wrong they are saying what's followed. But when everyone says things it's like one vs everyone. It will create only rift in relationship.
Sorry to say but she is a narcissist personality. Only solution is compromise and accepting the situation. She will never change even after 50 years from now.
She won't change? That word gives me anxiety attack. Bro, I am going to shift to Bangalore soon. If I fulfill her expectations may she change.