The man I love is going through a very difficult situation with one of his parents, they are critically ill and every time we think that now the suffering has ended, something keeps happening.
I am there for him and his family as much as I can, but as life has thrown a lot of curve balls at us, he has gone into a shell. Although we have worked out a lot of things, when it comes to this situation, he generally wants to be left alone. I respect his decision and do not call him, instead I check up on him through messages and tell him that I am there for him. He does tell me whatever update is there and that he is taking care of himself as he knows I worry about him and his parents.
I don't need him to talk to me because I understand what he is going through. I just want him to not be alone in these times, but I don't want to push him for this. I don't know if what I am doing is right or not. I am worried about him. Please tell me what can I do better to be there for him?
No offence .. Not sure about how you have helped him in this situation but I have seen girls usually don’t offer any real help just phone calls and messages..
offer specific help instead of just general support like .. I can drop off food , I can get medicines, I will stay in hospital you go home n rest , I can pick u up , any financial help etc ..
Exactly, either do "real helping" or just leave the person alone.
Things like "I am there for you"
"I don't want to see you falling apart", "you are doing great, proud of you" "bla bla bla" irritates me.
Just tell him what real help you can bring on the table if he doesn't want any then leave him alone. That's what me as a man would prefer.
@CanineKettle61 I have done those kind of specific things and beyond. I asked what I can do for him in this post because he is emotionally struggling. And I wanted to know from the male community what to do because women and men function very differently, so I asked if what I am doing is right or not. I was already doing only a limited check up on him through calls and messages because that I understood about him - he doesn't want me continuously asking him questions or talking about this, so I don't.
@KoolCoder you might not like people providing emotional support to you and I can respect that, but I know my male family members and friends enough that even just saying that "I am there for you" or "I am proud of you" helps them and let's them reach out in time of need.
Don't pressuries yourself.
You're a keeper.
Don't think it's about you, or what you can do best.. what you are doing is enough (considering his response)
Give him time.. doesn't necessarily means living him alone, rather don't always talk about parents.. instead have some casual convos.. to make him feel light from everything else going in his life - again keep it natural don't push that you have to.
Again reiterating you are a keeper & he knows that.
Reading the replies where you have shared details of your situation with him
He might be thinking of situation where you both could have been together (emotionally and physically)
But that's not the case today so he would be preferably try to avoid you just to not feel sad about it
He won't keep you in dark for too long because he still loves you but reality is he can't be with you (or vice versa) so he won't be keeping you too close .... In order to avoid difficult conversation where either of you can get hurt and then both of you regret about it
Their might be more on his mind which could be related to similar past events in the family or someone close to him or even you
Taking clue from those situations will help clearing things and if you have not spent enough time together to have experience of those things
Then just leave it , trying to do more in order to avoid something can sometimes act as self fulfilling prophecy....
Men if they don’t want to talk about something, its better to leave them to it. They will definitely come to you when they feel like they can’t contain it more. Asking them again and again would just irritate them more. But the biggest and the sweetest thing you can do is to go hug them if you can or calming them down by holding their hands to convey physically that everything will be fine
I understand that and I don't ask him to talk. I only ask him to let me be with him on call because we live in different cities so I can't be physically there to hold him. But this too seems to be too much for him to handle.
That's why I wanted to know what else can I do to ease his pain?
In 2006, when we lost our maternal grandfather, mom was crying a lot. We kids were terrified to even approach her, didn't know what to do. My dad did a small gesture. He hugged her, took her head to his chest and hugged tight. He didn't say anything. Not even a single word. Then he gestured at me to come and I slept in her lap.
You do the same, don't talk at all, just give him a good hug, and lie down in his lap. Let him play with your hair a little, if everything was ok, he'll eventually do that. And make sure that he eats something.
You are doing great.
Chill. Here's giving you clear instructions on what he needs right now. Lone wolf mode. Men are simple. We just say what we want. No ringa ringa read my mind roses. I don't know what part of his instructions is causing issues
There must be a mutual favorite place, visit, sit together, stay silent for most of the time, suddenly say - I'm proud of you. Back to silence, eat something, then talk something. Open a memory, maybe and rejoice!
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