Job Hunt 2025: Now Hiring… Unicorns 🦄 with 17 Arms and No Salary Expectations

Welcome to the Job Market of 2025, where dreams go to get ghosted, and cover letters are written just to be ignored by an AI that has already decided you’re not a “culture fit” because you didn’t use the word “synergy” enough.

Let’s dive into the modern job situation, which is less of a “hunt” and more of a hunger games meets Shark Tank, hosted by ChatGPT.

1. Job Descriptions: The Fiction Section

Hiring Manager: “We need a frontend developer.”

Job Description:

• Must know React, Vue, Angular, Svelte, and also have 10 years of experience in a framework released last year.
• Be a team player but also be completely independent.
• Coffee-making skills are a bonus.
• Oh, and be ready to work Saturdays. For free.
• Salary: Experience-based (translation: your experience, our low budget).

Honestly, at this point, if Harry Potter applied, they'd tell him he doesn’t meet the Muggle collaboration expectations.

2. Experience Required: Must Have Reincarnated Twice

Entry-Level Job: Requirements:

• 6+ years experience
• Nobel Prize in Computer Science
• Saved a unicorn from a burning building
• Willingness to relocate to Mars (only if Elon calls)

You: “I’m a recent graduate.” Them: “We’ll get back to you.” Also Them: Deletes resume into black hole.

3. The Interview Gauntlet

Round 1: HR call — “Tell me about yourself.” You answer, they disappear forever like your gym resolutions.

Round 2: Coding Test — Takes 6 hours, unpaid, uses obscure algorithms from ancient Greece.

Round 3: Managerial round — They ask you, “Why should we hire you?” You: “Because I need to eat.” Them: “Wrong attitude.”

Round 4: CEO Interview — “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” You: “Not in this process, hopefully.”

4. Ghosting: Now a Corporate Policy

Back in the day, it was just Tinder. Now, even companies are like:

“We’ll let you know.” never replies, changes company name, moves to another country.

You refresh your inbox 18 times a day like a desperate Pokémon trainer waiting for that rare HR email. Instead, all you get is “We’ve reviewed your profile. Unfortunately…” Unfortunately, you exist.

5. Startup Culture: We Work Hard, You Get Equity (In Our Dreams)

Startups today offer:

• Equity in a company that hasn’t made revenue since COVID.
• A free coffee machine (but bring your own beans).
• “Cool” culture: no job security, no personal life, and “Pizza Fridays” (where the interns bring pizza).

Founders be like: “We can’t pay now, but when we become the next Google…” News flash: They’re now a crypto scam.

6. LinkedIn Motivation Posts Be Like…

“Lost my job. Wife left me. House burned down. Now I’m CEO of a Fortune 500 company because I believed in myself.”

Meanwhile you’re like: “I believed in myself too. Now I believe in magic because only that can get me a job apparently.”

Final Thoughts:

The job market today is like a dating app — you swipe, match, ghost, repeat. Except in this one, you don’t even get a date, just depression and a new addiction to Excel.

So if you’re job hunting right now, just know: you’re not alone. You’re just one of the many warriors in the trenches, armed with a CV, caffeine, and crippling self-doubt.

But chin up — someone out there might just need a unicorn with 17 arms and 0 salary expectations. And when they do, you’ll be ready.

Until then, may your inbox be full and your HR emails be ever in your favor.